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Aliens Are Stealing Our Ozone

A speaker at yesterday's high-level environmental conference in England claims to have proof that global warming is not caused by mankind, but by aliens. He also said the aliens are part of a US Government conspiracy to sell off the Earth's atmosphere.

"Global warming and the ozone hole have got nothing to do with CFCs, car emissions, airplanes or CO2," he said. "It's all because aliens are stealing our ozone."

The unidentified speaker, who gatecrashed the conference, took the podium less than a hour after the last of the official speakers had left the building. His appearance seemed to be carefully timed so that he spoke only to the handful of remaining journalists and other drunks.

The unscheduled appearance occurred on the last day of a two-day conference entitled 'Why is the weather so crap?' held in Clacton, England. It was attended mainly by clerks from governmental environment agencies across the UK and their secretaries. NGOs such as Greenpeace and Friends of the Earth were not there, probably because, as one PR spokesbunny said, "We don't care".

The gatecrasher claimed to be from the US Environmental Protection Agency and had an official, inkjet-printed EPA badge stapled to his tin-foil beanie.

"Our Government is selling off the ozone," he said, "but I have evidence that the aliens are taking more than they're paying for. Now that's plain stealing."

When contacted by the Weekly World Inquisitor, a US Government spokesperson admitted: "We have created an Atmospheric Privatization Initiative which is leveraging a public-private partnership methodology to monetize under-utilised resources in the Earth's non-ground-based assets." But when pressed if they are doing deals with aliens to sell off the ozone, he replied, "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."

Later, speaking privately with the Weekly World Inquisitor's reporter in a nearby pub, the gatecrasher was unable to say why the aliens might be stealing our atmosphere. "Christ knows what they're doing with it," he said. "What use is ozone?"



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